why

Why to start a blog.
Actually i always thought i needed to host it myself. Unsure about that. It is made for myself and public nevertheless, so it can actually be in public anyway. Leaves more time to actually do it, than to work on technical insignificance.
But that is not the why.
Why is - i want to tell something. Not only myself, but speak up in a way. I used to do it to other people alone and to be fair: It is not the way to send big massive thoughts out to people, so they actually need to read them, or feel bad if they do not.
This way i can do that and still. No one ever needs to read it. Just a way of telling myself, of reminding myself that there is a time to speak to other people and there is not.
Writing can cure. Speaking too.
Sometimes it is though better, to just do it, when it is turning into quite a mess.
I am unsure about how to start, cause my energy just whipped out again, but it'll come back.

One day i can cure the weird stuff happening inside myself.
Not today i believe.

I do want to do the things i believe in.
I want to stop critizising myself and start changing.
It is by now sometimes still the case that i hate something i do, but still do it. As if, i can not stop, though I know I do not want to do that. That is very strange and i still do not understand it.
Some answer I am seeking, cause I truly believe it is not character, but something I got wrong at some point. Just don't know yet.